Friday, March 30, 2007

Underwear Dilemma May Lead To Wise Cracks

Question:

Dear Dr. J,

I have a friend who developed a habit of pulling his underwear out of his fanny socket without realizing he's doing it. I developed...I mean, my friend developed this habit as a young boy. You see, he played baseball and every time he threw the ball (which was a lot, I was...he was a pitcher) his undies would get to riding in his bunny slice. Well, before you know it, he was doing it all the time, even when my underwear wasn't riding! It's very embarrassing for him now that I'm an...he's an adult. Is there some kind of meditation that will help him through this embarrassing habit? Or should he embrace it as a unique selling proposition for being my...his friend?

Sincerely,

Not Nick Badway, but someone else.

Anwser:

Well hello there not Nick Badway. Your dilemma is one that affects a great number of people around the world so don't ever feel like you're alone in this not so abnormal behavior.

Studies suggest there are millions of others who wonder, and often question their usually ill-timed choice about removing that uncomfortable cloth build up from the crack of their ass. One study found that it usually affects more of the male population than the female. This ultimately could be the result of women's fashion trends, which prohibit the wearing of conventional underpants ((or Granny pants as they are often referred to)) that, not only skew how material drapes across the curve of the ass, but also cause bulges where there should be none ((muffing tops, saddle bags)), all things that 'most' women strive to avoid at all cost.

That is why the undergarment industry has profited greatly from the manufacturing of the thong. Wearing one of these is not likely a good option for you because it would only exasperate your current situation.

The issue of removing your undies from the folds of your buttocks ((or bunny slice as you, or rather, your friend would call it)) can pose many problems depending on where, when, and how often this occurs because of who is in the immediate area.

It is not often openly discussed, but, since you are reaching out to see whether or not it will lead to complications in life or offer some kind of unique benefit we shall look at it in detail.

It is often though of as rude to displace the pesky material while in public places and is ranked equally as high as public nose picking. ((Oh yes, we've all been witness to that, especially while stuck in rush hour traffic on the freeway where people just assume that they will never see you again in this life so they go booger diving with great finess.)) Both of these habits often command comments from total strangers, some of which you should be grateful you cannot hear. It can also lead to an undo amount of laundry to remove skid marks based on the underwears proximity to any kind of accidental discharge. If your spouse/partner is the one responsible for laundry chores you may end up suffering from ugly glares and comments when your dirty little secret is discovered.

However, given your 'friend's' situation, and I have to assume that he is wearing boxers that tend to have far too much material gathering in the area of the crack, especially when rising from a sitting position, or, he is wearing tighty whities that have lost their elasticity, a simple solution would be to purchase new underwear that are slightly tighter than normal. This would eliminate the material from venturing into areas that cause you to constantly be grabbing at your ass. This would only be necessary should you feel the urge to discontinue this vulgar...I mean bad habit.

But, because you say you don't mind doing this, in fact you seem to derive some kind of sick pleasure from it and have continued to use this tactic your entire life, I suggest that when the urge hits you...you play that age old children's game of "if I can't see you--you can't see me". When the urge arises...just begin to hum loudly, place one hand over your eyes and use the other to dig the material out. That way you will never hear the tsk's or see the look of disgust on people's faces when they witness it.

Dr. J

4 comments:

Nick Badway said...

Very Nice.

Comedy + said...

Dr. J, this is a total riot. You must stay awake nights to think these response up. You are one funny lady (doctor)!

Trish the Dish said...

Fanny socket?

Anonymous said...

^^ nice blog!! ^@^

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