Saturday, March 31, 2007

Tag...You're It!

I have been tagged by Bud Wiser at WTIT Tape Radio to offer up five blogs that make me think.

Bud, whose humor is only surpassed by his good looks and witty humor has been nominated for "The Thinking Blogger Award" and has payed it forward so to speak by nominating five that makes him included. I'm flattered Bud!

Thinking is what I try to avoid most often because it often leads to action and my plate is already so full. Thanks Bud! they are and NOT so elaboratly done as Bud:

The Not So Humble Opinion Of Theodore Trumblebunks
Bagwine Ruminations
Nurse Ratched's Place
Meloncutter Musings
Welcome To My World

And the rules:

The participation rules are simple:

1. If, and only if, you get tagged, write a post with links to 5 blogs that make you think.
2. Link to this post so that people can easily find the exact origin of the meme.
3. Optional: Proudly display the 'Thinking Blogger Award'.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Underwear Dilemma May Lead To Wise Cracks


Dear Dr. J,

I have a friend who developed a habit of pulling his underwear out of his fanny socket without realizing he's doing it. I developed...I mean, my friend developed this habit as a young boy. You see, he played baseball and every time he threw the ball (which was a lot, I was...he was a pitcher) his undies would get to riding in his bunny slice. Well, before you know it, he was doing it all the time, even when my underwear wasn't riding! It's very embarrassing for him now that I'm an...he's an adult. Is there some kind of meditation that will help him through this embarrassing habit? Or should he embrace it as a unique selling proposition for being my...his friend?


Not Nick Badway, but someone else.


Well hello there not Nick Badway. Your dilemma is one that affects a great number of people around the world so don't ever feel like you're alone in this not so abnormal behavior.

Studies suggest there are millions of others who wonder, and often question their usually ill-timed choice about removing that uncomfortable cloth build up from the crack of their ass. One study found that it usually affects more of the male population than the female. This ultimately could be the result of women's fashion trends, which prohibit the wearing of conventional underpants ((or Granny pants as they are often referred to)) that, not only skew how material drapes across the curve of the ass, but also cause bulges where there should be none ((muffing tops, saddle bags)), all things that 'most' women strive to avoid at all cost.

That is why the undergarment industry has profited greatly from the manufacturing of the thong. Wearing one of these is not likely a good option for you because it would only exasperate your current situation.

The issue of removing your undies from the folds of your buttocks ((or bunny slice as you, or rather, your friend would call it)) can pose many problems depending on where, when, and how often this occurs because of who is in the immediate area.

It is not often openly discussed, but, since you are reaching out to see whether or not it will lead to complications in life or offer some kind of unique benefit we shall look at it in detail.

It is often though of as rude to displace the pesky material while in public places and is ranked equally as high as public nose picking. ((Oh yes, we've all been witness to that, especially while stuck in rush hour traffic on the freeway where people just assume that they will never see you again in this life so they go booger diving with great finess.)) Both of these habits often command comments from total strangers, some of which you should be grateful you cannot hear. It can also lead to an undo amount of laundry to remove skid marks based on the underwears proximity to any kind of accidental discharge. If your spouse/partner is the one responsible for laundry chores you may end up suffering from ugly glares and comments when your dirty little secret is discovered.

However, given your 'friend's' situation, and I have to assume that he is wearing boxers that tend to have far too much material gathering in the area of the crack, especially when rising from a sitting position, or, he is wearing tighty whities that have lost their elasticity, a simple solution would be to purchase new underwear that are slightly tighter than normal. This would eliminate the material from venturing into areas that cause you to constantly be grabbing at your ass. This would only be necessary should you feel the urge to discontinue this vulgar...I mean bad habit.

But, because you say you don't mind doing this, in fact you seem to derive some kind of sick pleasure from it and have continued to use this tactic your entire life, I suggest that when the urge hits play that age old children's game of "if I can't see you--you can't see me". When the urge arises...just begin to hum loudly, place one hand over your eyes and use the other to dig the material out. That way you will never hear the tsk's or see the look of disgust on people's faces when they witness it.

Dr. J

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Waxing Your Wood Diminishes Blog Addiction


What can you prescribe for a case of serious Blog withdrawal? You see, I used to have this advice site (*LOVE* your new format, by the way) but life got in the way. Now I'm reduced to living in real time, talking live with people right there in front of me? What's a propeller head to do?


First of all head, it's wonderful to hear from you. We were all saddened by the demise of the wonderful advice column you penned for such a long time. You can find some comfort knowing that many of your fans/clients/friends suffer right along side you as you continue to make your way through cyber addiction withdrawl symptoms. (Use caution if you visit this site...You may end up with some real good advice that will be honest, truthful and cheap)

Keeping your hands busy during the hours you would normally have spent sitting at your keyboard typing endless advice (I'm assuming you did ths during the evening hours after work) is key in your recovery.

I have a suggestion for you that might just take your mind off the missing key strokes.

First off, I think physical release is a priority when pent up tension begins to painfully rear it's ugly head leaving you feeling... well... let's just call

Waxing your wood can go along way in getting that pinched, painful, sour look that has taken over your face to diminish if even if only for a few hours. DISTRACTION is the key!

Use warm or cool oil depending on how sensitive your skin is. ((I would suggest it be more on the warm side so that some of its pleasant aroma penetrates the air around you and helps set the mood for this often unilateral task)).

Place a few drops of oil at the point that undergoes the most use and begin to rub gently. Increase the speed of the rubbing if you want immediate satisfaction or continue to rub slowly for a longer, more impactful resolution.

Once you immerse yourself in this pleasant chore, the tension you have been feeling so omnipresent in your life without blogging, will slowly begin to fade into your sub-conscience. This new sense of self-satisfaction will take your mind off your previous addiction and might even leave you with a smile on your face. ((Depending on what brand of oil you use, you should also experience a new softer skin texture on your hand)).

It is also very likely that your wife ((who usually does not have the benefit of watching you perform this solitary act)) will be so thrilled that you have taken one of the mundane chores off her plate, having waxed all the wood in the house, that you will likely be rewarded with a roll in the hay.

It's a win-win situation propeller head.

Dr. J

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Phone Sex Can Keep Relationship Going Strong


I'm in a serious long-distance relationship with a wonderful man. We see each other as often as possible and communicate daily, but the time spent apart in-between trips can be tough. Can you offer advice on how to maintain a romantic and happy long-distance lovelife?

Counting The Days


First of all Counting The Days, let me congratulate you and your beau on your stamina to maintain this long distance relationship. It proves that 'abstinence does make the heart grow fonder'. Providing that you have a healthy intimate relationship I'm sure that when indeed you do get together it's pure bliss. He's likely to perch and preen like a woodpecker on a tree in spring when the wood is fresh and the blossoms new. If all relationships were like this just imagine how many lawyers would be out of business. Oh...the perfect world!

For many people out there, regardless of age, this can be one of the most rewarding relationships because there are no laundry piles to be dealt with sans your own, you can eat leisurely in bed guilt free no matter what time of day it is, and you get to experience only the fun things together because of the limited time frame. This can make a relationship sail along without glitches, arguments over chores, money woes or worrying about the kids (only during your time away because I assume they don't travel with you during one of these trysts). On the other hand the sex cannot be that frequent.

After perusing your site it appears that there is approximately 9 days until actual physical contact can be made. In order to make this the 'perfect' meeting, I would strongly suggest that there be no touching of oneself in order to get the most 'bang' for your buck on the eve of your reconciliation. (Yes...I know this can be difficult). One can only imagine the build up as you walk towards him at the airport...your lips brush across one anothers...his hand reaches towards was I?

However, if for some reason this abstinence is too daunting to achieve, I would suggest a late night phone call (1-800-976-WTIT) to your beau filled with (w)titillating conversation, a bottle of warming K-Y Jelly, your favorite toy, and a few glasses of French Bordeaux chucked down shortly before the call is made. (This does not necessarily constitute a drink and dial unless the effects of the wine have an immediate impact on your sensibilities).

The utilization of immediate release will help you when you are apart and are faced with that sudden feeling of heat rushing ramant through your body when he crosses your mind. (Yes I know we all say it's due to (pre) menopause but I believe it means we're just horny and we ain't getting any!)

So my best advice to you is to utilize the phone as often as possible as a way of 'reaching out and touching someone'!

Dr. J

Monday, March 26, 2007

Ex Hexed


I recently found out that one of my ex-wives is reading my blog. At least she does not comment. Since she is both happily married and also I am anything but kind when discussing these women, what could her motivation possibly be?

And how do I stop such a run-on sentence?


First of all, let me just say that blog traffic is sometimes difficult at best to acquire so kudos on your constant and growing audience.

As far as your EX reading your blog, I think this suggests that she still secretly desires you and you continue to serve as inspiration to fuel her current fantasies no matter how bad/good your parting was. Some girls, no matter how they try to hide it, just like 'bad-for-them' boys.

On the other hand, since you say you are not kind when discussing your ex-wives (studman), perhaps she misses your potty-mouth banter in her new marriage. Remember the old adage 'sometimes you don't know what you want until it's gone.' The premise of happiness is not always what it appears to be to the naked eye. Maybe Mr. Right is too nice and she's really bored and keeping tabs on you gives her some kind of odd satisfaction.

Since you have not mentioned a current wife, it's also possible that she might just be undulating in some kind of warped happiness because you are NOT married again.

This in turn may make her feel like she is irreplaceable in your life and that you will forever remain a lonely guy, although based on your picture, this is not likely the scenario (and there are rumors). Your singleness may just be providing her with the fodder she needs to keep her current marriage in the blissful state that you suggested in your question.

Since she does not leave comments it is also possible that she's just plain nosy. Some would consider this an ex-stalking but I would guess that in this case it is nothing more than morbid curiosity.

If you really want to see where she's at-I suggest posting something daring and provocative on your blog about your ex's. You might just provoke her into leaving a comment. Although if this was a problem during your marriage (too many comments) I would suggest leaving things as they are because once you open Pandora's Box there's no going back.

As for the run on sentences my suggestion would be to start using your grammar skills by inserting commas and periods so that we can stop them where they should be stopped, which will lead to less confusion for those whose reading skills have been limited but not entirely erased over time because of ailments that affect our brain as we get older and which leave us the inability to rationalize where a sentence should begin and where one should end correctly.

Dr. J

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Hard Times For Produce Man...


I took your advice and am keeping my pecker up. It has been 2 days. What do I do with it now?


First of all Sir, congratulations on keeping your pecker up for two days in a row (sans the little blue pill I assume). Women across the world will likely begin to search you out if your significant other is unprepared to 'nurse you back to health' so to speak.

One thing you must absolutely remember to do in situations such as this is to continuously check the baggage below to ensure that nothing is turning a blue shade. This can lead to a detrimental change in attitude and can cause elevated irritability.

In certain cases, men whose pecker stays in an upright position for an unusually long time have begun to develop a pinched facial appearance, have difficulty maintaining a calm demeanor and have had to wear their shirts untucked in order to provide cover for their otherwise attention getting feature.

Reports show that it has also lead many to participate in public leering and ogling, so be careful where you go during times when your pecker is about to peak, or, prepare yourself for unexpected reactions from the opposite sex such as a quick, sharp smack to the face.

There are also other health risks involved in moving about when your pecker is at full staff. For instance--it has been reported that turning a corner too quick can lead to bodily injury, which will require an ointment application in order to achieve some sense of relief. (Depending on how you look at this, this could be a really really good thing.)

I suggest that you enlist the help of someone close to you to 'give you a hand' in order to alleviate this problem otherwise you might just blow it yourself.

Good luck and if all else fails--my phone number has been e-mailed to you.

Dr. J

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

I Have A Question...

that I should ask myself.

What in the sam hell is going on?

I'm a writer at heart and a writer by profession and yet words have fallen to the dark side, left to be discovered perhaps at a later date when I may or may not need them. Mmmmm, she wonders!

So I ask myself -- what purpose do my words serve? Should I make you laugh, cry, or should I try to fool you with a story that just might be but never has been? Should I fling 'shite' like wallpaper to cover all exposed surfaces or dangle a pacifier to soothe your ills away?

I guess that will be what unfolds here as this site begins to develop. My old friends are starting to stop by and it's nice to know that they still find me worthy of a look here and there.

So I wait for your questions in hopes that I will not become a rambling idiot.

Until then, keep your peckers up!

Monday, March 19, 2007

I'm Back In A Strange Way

I've decided to start this new blog in hopes of regaining some sense of humor. Life has been throwing me a lot of curves over the last several months and it's time to get something else going.

I would like to offer my advice to anyone struggling with life issues, but, just remember...I write humor, so don't expect that I will always be giving truely meaningful advice.

So here's your big opportunity to solve some of the mysterious issues that plague you while awake, sleeping, driving or just plain breathing.

Leave me a question in the comment section and I will do my best to steer you in the right direction.

Yes...the doctor is in the house!