Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Phone Sex Can Keep Relationship Going Strong

Question:

I'm in a serious long-distance relationship with a wonderful man. We see each other as often as possible and communicate daily, but the time spent apart in-between trips can be tough. Can you offer advice on how to maintain a romantic and happy long-distance lovelife?

Signed,
Counting The Days

Answer:

First of all Counting The Days, let me congratulate you and your beau on your stamina to maintain this long distance relationship. It proves that 'abstinence does make the heart grow fonder'. Providing that you have a healthy intimate relationship I'm sure that when indeed you do get together it's pure bliss. He's likely to perch and preen like a woodpecker on a tree in spring when the wood is fresh and the blossoms new. If all relationships were like this just imagine how many lawyers would be out of business. Oh...the perfect world!

For many people out there, regardless of age, this can be one of the most rewarding relationships because there are no laundry piles to be dealt with sans your own, you can eat leisurely in bed guilt free no matter what time of day it is, and you get to experience only the fun things together because of the limited time frame. This can make a relationship sail along without glitches, arguments over chores, money woes or worrying about the kids (only during your time away because I assume they don't travel with you during one of these trysts). On the other hand the sex cannot be that frequent.

After perusing your site it appears that there is approximately 9 days until actual physical contact can be made. In order to make this the 'perfect' meeting, I would strongly suggest that there be no touching of oneself in order to get the most 'bang' for your buck on the eve of your reconciliation. (Yes...I know this can be difficult). One can only imagine the build up as you walk towards him at the airport...your lips brush across one anothers...his hand reaches towards your...er...where was I?

However, if for some reason this abstinence is too daunting to achieve, I would suggest a late night phone call (1-800-976-WTIT) to your beau filled with (w)titillating conversation, a bottle of warming K-Y Jelly, your favorite toy, and a few glasses of French Bordeaux chucked down shortly before the call is made. (This does not necessarily constitute a drink and dial unless the effects of the wine have an immediate impact on your sensibilities).

The utilization of immediate release will help you when you are apart and are faced with that sudden feeling of heat rushing ramant through your body when he crosses your mind. (Yes I know we all say it's due to (pre) menopause but I believe it means we're just horny and we ain't getting any!)

So my best advice to you is to utilize the phone as often as possible as a way of 'reaching out and touching someone'!

Dr. J

5 comments:

Comedy + said...

This is a riot. Sounds like these two are married and all is normal well, while they are apart).

You really have a great talent for this. I'm still trying for a question and it will come.

Comedy + said...

Thanks for the link Dr. J :)

Andrew said...

Dear Dr. J,

What can you prescribe for a case of serious Blog withdrawal? You see, I used to have this advice site (*LOVE* your new format, by the way) but life got in the way. Now I'm reduced to living in real time, talking live with people right there in front of me? What's a propeller head to do?

Nick Badway said...

Dear Dr. J,

I have a friend who developed a habit of pulling his underwear out of his fanny socket without realizing he's doing it. I developed...I mean, my friend developed this habit as a young boy. You see, he played baseball and every time he threw the ball (which was a lot, I was...he was a pitcher) his undies would get to riding in his bunny slice. Well, before you know it, he was doing it all the time, even when my underwear wasn't riding! It's very embarrassing for him now that I'm an...he's an adult. Is there some kind of meditation that will help him through this embarrassing habit? Or should he embrace it as a unique selling proposition for being my...his friend?

Sincerely,

Not Nick Badway, but someone else.

Ask The Meloncutter said...

I think I would have told them to make sure he wanks it in the sink before they start, so they dont waste their time on the easy one.

But what would I know.... I stack apples fer a living.

Later Y'all