Tip Of The Day!

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter.

Fear of Santa

QUESTION:

My son and I went to see Santa Claus to get our annual photo taken but this year he would not get on his lap. What happened?

ANSWER:

As children get older, their senses develop in ways we sometimes overlook. I believe what your son is going through is a normal fear associated with being in near proximity to a very rotund stranger clad in red.

In professional terms we call this "CLAUSE-traphobia".

Christmas Gifts To Beware Of

QUESTION:

I'd like to get my child a dog for Christmas this year. Is there anything I should worry about when choosing a gift like this?

ANSWER:

The golden rule here is to look for a dog that suits your family. It can be big or small, active or sedentary, but you must make sure that it's personality is one that will blend easily with the entire family. There is really only one precaution you should take and that is to avoid pet stores boasting signs like the one below.

Dog for sale:
Eats anything and is fond of children.

How Can I Make Holy Water?

QUESTION:

This holiday season I am feeling grateful for everything I have. I would like to perform a special ceremony to bless everything in my house but can't get my local clergyman to come over to perform this holy rite. Is there anything I can do at home to make holy water?

ANSWER:

This is a pretty easy fix. There are only two steps to making holy water:

1. Get a pot, fill it with water.

2. Put it on the stove and boil the hell out of it.

Question Questions

QUESTION

I am a teacher and try to ask my students questions that they can intuitively answer. They are usually about things they see in every day life. Is there a way to avoid getting answers that are given by students who are extremely perceptive?

ANSWER

Children today live in a much more open society. They see and hear things that we're not aware that they're picking up on as witnessed by the following story. One teacher blindfolded one of her students and popped a Hershey's Kiss into his mouth then asked him...

"What does a kiss taste like?" she asked. "Do you know what it is?"

"No, I don't," said the little boy.

'Okay, I'll give you a clue," she said. "It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled "Spit it out you idiot, it's a piece of ass!"

Child Labor

Question

My child has expressed an interest in getting a job. Although his is still very young, seven, we are wondering if it would benefit him to join the workforce early enough to allow him to discover where his talents lay.

Answer

By all means. Give him the car keys and shove him out the door. Okay, so I'm just kidding because obviously he is not tall enough to see over the dash yet, however, a car booster seat could be the answer.

It is never too early to start your children on the road to riches. Many of the jobs that will be available to this younger generation have not yet even been created so it is wise to start looking around to see what their adaptability is like.

A perfect example of how it works and how much your child can get out of early employment and learn to deal with all sorts of situations can be seen in the story below.

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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, 'I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.'

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' drywall..."

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What this child received from this experience is priceless. Not only is she learning to bank her money, she is also on the fast track to learning a new language. I say go for it. What's the little bastard got to loose?

Sometimes It Pays To Listen